This past weekend myself, Sandy, Merrill, Jon and Spencer went on day tours of both the Highlands and Loch Ness. I'm going to break this up into two posts so that I don't get my facts confused with one another.
On Saturday we all got on the 'Wild and Sexy' bus with our Haggis Adventures guide Fergie. We knew it was going to be a great two days when the first few sentences out of his mouth included, "You can call me Uncle Fergie." and, "Just for you guys, I've downloaded the entire back catalogue of Britney Spears. And for those of you who aren't Britney fans, I paid 74-pence to make sure I had some Michael Bolton as well." Words cannot begin to describe Uncle Fergie, but he was absolutely hilarious throughout the entire day, recalling stories of Scottish history which have led us to believe that Scotland is what it is today because of gruesome murders, heroic battles, and a long and proud line of illegitimate children. Thanks Uncle Fergie. Note: we're fairly certain Fergie is short for Fergus or Ferguson; will keep you posted!
Proof that we really were on the 'Wild and Sexy' bus. I couldn't make that up if I wanted to.
Leaving St. Andrews we headed to Dunkeld Cathedral, what was once the center of Christianity in Scotland. Although that is not necessarily what it is famous for. Two very important people are buried at Dunkeld, the first being Alexander, 'The Wolf of Badenoch' Stewart. The Wolf was an illegitimate son of Robert the Bruce, 'Scotland's greatest king' ... or at least Fergie thinks so. Like his father, he had a penchant for fathering illegitimate children (it's believed he did this anywhere between 400-600 times) and he also was fond of burning down churches. One day two women came to The Wolf's castle and held up their infant children asking for child support. The Wolf looked at them and said "They're not mine." The women insisted so Wolf asked if he could get a closer look at both of them. With one baby in one hand and one in the other, he said, "Oh yeah, they are mine." Then promptly smashed them together killing both infants instantly. We then mounted each on a stake and used them to decorate the walls of his castle warning anyone who came hunting for child support again. Towards the end of his life, The Wolf felt bad and was a wee bit concerned he hadn't secured his spot in heaven. So he befriended some bishops and paid them off to secure his place in heaven. When Wolf died, he was taken to a church a buried in its graveyard. Three days later, the church mysteriously caught on fire and burned to the ground. Thinking it a weird coincidence, Wolf was moved to another church. Three days later, that church burned down. His rotting body traveled around Scotland, searching for a home as no church was willing to take him in. Eventually they had to build a sarcophagus to carry his oozing, smelling body around. It fell off the wagon several times which is why there are cracks in it. They take it to another church that had heard about the fires so they decided to take him in with a plan to beat the fires. For six months priests were constantly in the church, praying for its safety. But after six months, they grew tired of this and decided that it wasn't necessary to do this anymore. Three days later, that church burned to the ground. The only reason his final resting place, Dunkeld, hasn't followed suit is because the church ends each Sunday service / wedding / event in the church with a prayer to God to protect Dunkeld from fire and the The Wolf's curse.
But that's not all who is buried here. Bonnie Prince Charlie was the son of the exiled king, who's name was James I believe (it's generally an accurate guess as everyone here is named James). On his father's deathbed, Bonnie Prince Charlie promised to reclaim the throne of Scotland, which is difficult to do as Bonnie Prince Charlie was fluent in Italian and Polish, and didn't know the tongue of the country he was trying to take back. Good job mom and dad. And in good Scottish tradition, Bonnie Prince Charlie fathered a few illegitimate children himself, one of them now buried at Dunkeld. People used to pray in front of the gravestone which was once mounted on the wall until one day two people praying before it were killed when the stone fell off the wall. How can you not love Scottish history?
The cathedral at Dunkeld is really a beautiful church, and is situated on the River Tay, which is Scotland's most sought after fishing spot. According to local history, which from henceforth will be referred to as legend, because that's generally what it ends up becoming, the largest fish ever caught on the River was 64-lbs. and was caught by a woman. Because of this and the belief that fish are more attracted to the smell released by women, you can buy "scent of woman" to add to your bait in Dunkeld's tackle shops. Don't come rushing over to go fishing though. According to Fergie, it costs up to £1,000 a day ($1,545) to fish here. I was hoping I'd see Brad Pitt, Tom Skerritt, and Tim Robbins out here, but no such luck.
The cathedral at Dunkeld.
Our group on the banks of the River Tay.
From Dunkeld, we turned north to Hermitage, one of the most famous natural waterfalls in Scotland. Uncle Fergie took us on a "wee walk through the woods" to the River Braan, which according to legend is where the dog of Irish hero, Finn McCool, relieves himself, creating a layer of froth on top of the river. This waterfall is particularly cool as you can't see it until you enter a small house that has a balcony that hangs out for the best view of the falls. This is one of the most beautiful places I've seen thus far in Scotland and it really was a privilege to be there.
Me at Hermitage.
The beautiful waterfalls at Hermitage.
Following our visit to Hemritage we continued on to Glenturret, site of Scotland's oldest whiskey distillery and the home of The Famous Grouse Experience. We went on a tour of the distillery and learned about how Famous Grouse makes their whiskey, and then followed it with a tasting session. The verdict: it's very strong (obviously because it's whiskey) but aside from the residual burn I enjoyed the Grouse. The tour itself was really interesting as I've never been on a distillery tour before, so seeing the process of how they make the whiskey was really interesting. The added bonus is that because Glenturret is the oldest distillery in Scotland, its possible that it's the oldest distillery in the world.
Me, Sandy, Merrill and The Famous Grouse.
We continued on our journey after this, traveling to Loch Tay, which is the site of a hotel that is soon opening that will be the second 7-star hotel in the world, which, if I remember correctly, will charge £14,000 a night. "And that doesn't include breakfast", or at least that's what Uncle Fergie told us. The Loch itself is really beautiful and is a major center for water sports in Scotland during the summer months.
Me on Loch Tay.
Back on the bus and onward to the Falls of Dochart, with Uncle Fergie at the story-telling wheel. On the way to the Falls and the town of Killin ('Kil' meaning church and 'Lin' meaning forrest, so basically 'church in the forrest/woods' is the name of the town. These Scots are really original) that is situated right on its shores. According to Fergie, following the death of Prince Albert, Queen Victoria was depressed to the point of committing suicide. So she was packed up and sent up to Balmoral Estate in Scotland to cheer her up. For 18 long months she sat inside and mourned the loss of Albert. One of the groundskeepers hated seeing the Queen so sad, so he saddled up her favorite Highland pony and waited outside her window everyday. He did this for a while and she was getting annoyed so she kept telling him to go away but he never did. Finally, the Queen went out and asked him "What do you want?" And he simply said, "I want to take you out on your horse." She reluctantly did it and they went out for 45 minutes and returned. The next day he came back and she pretended to be annoyed but went along anyway. Pretty soon Queen Victoria was making a lunch of sausage rolls and sandwiches and making a day of it. But rumors began to spread about her and the groundskeeper ... so she was shipped back to London, but then people began to wonder why she was back so soon. The answer? "The beautiful Highland scenery and the Falls of Dochart have cured her broken heart." And possibly the groundskeeper.
The Falls of Dochart.
Following our visit to the Falls we began to make our way back to St. Andrews with Uncle Fergie telling us the story of ...
"WILLIAM WALLACE."
There's no way to convey how he said that through written word. But it was hilarious. Fergie is actually a fan of the movie Braveheart so what he did was point out where the movie was wrong and add in the real history. According to Fergs, William Wallace was from the low-country, so he would never have worn a kilt, which is a highland thing to do. In 1297, he united the clans to defeat the English at 1297 at the Battle of Stirling Bridge by recognizing a weak point in the British defenses and attacking its world-class cavalry in the middle of a bog. It was a decisive victory and Wallace was made a hero / legend. Wallace did have a girlfriend, who's name was Marion (which is where Maid Marion from the legend of Robin Hood came from, therefore, William Wallace = Robin Hood minus the stealing from the rich to give to the poor part). And Marion (or Murron as she was known in the film) was killed by the Sherriff of Lanark to evoke a response from Wallace. Wallace knew it was a trap and waited six weeks to launch an attack on the Sherriff. And he didn't exactly kill him like he did in the movie either. This is where this post gets REALLY gruesome so if you can't stomach it I'd stop now and skip to the next paragraph. Wallace skinned the Sherriff alive and then proceeded to salt his freshly peeled skin. He then used the Sherriff's stomach as a satchel, and used part of his skin (a hairy part apparently) to cover the handle of his sword so his hand could stay warm in winter. As far as Wallace and the Princess of Wales being in love and him fathering Edward III, that is highly unlikely as the Princess of Wales didn't have a child until 7 years after the death of Wallace. So bump that story. Wallace was eventually captured by the son of Edward the Longshanks, Edward II (the wimp in the movie). Edward II brought him to London to make an example of him. He was, just as Mel Gibson was in the movie, given the opportunity to swear allegiance to Edward and be subjected to a swift death. No such luck with Wallace. And like the movie, he was hanged and stretched (although he was stretched until the sinews in his shoulders snapped one by one and his arms and legs came out of their sockets. He was then cut open from breast bone to pubic bone and he was disemboweled in a long-drawn out process and his organs were tossed into the crowd as souvenirs. Note: he's still alive at this point. Wallace's, well, for lack of a better word, scrotum, was then sliced in half using a rough knife and then sliced off and shoved into his mouth so obviously, he didn't yell "FREEDOM!!!!!!". After all of that was he then finally beheaded. And just like Robert the Bruce narrated in the film, "William Wallace's body was torn to pieces. His head was set on London Bridge. His arms and legs sent to the four corners of Britain as a warning." All of this happened. Except, and this is cool, according to legend, when William's arm arrived at Stirling, the priests there took it to give it a proper burial. When preparing the arm, the hand, as if on its own, flopped over with one finger pointed towards Stirling which is where he won the Battle of Stirling bridge, his first victory over the English. Scots took this as a sign that they should continue their fight for freedom and did so under Robert the Bruce. As gross as this all is, you have to admit, Scottish history is pretty awesome. Especially when Uncle Fergie is telling it.
Well, that's enough Braveheart and travel for this post. I'll do another post later talking about our trip to Loch Ness. Brace yourself for the imminent return of Uncle Fergie!
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